Going into the movie I expected a similar feel as its predecessors, and for the first five minutes that’s exactly what I got. The jolly protagonist, Harry, is off to go see some sort of epic sporting event with his buddies. However, trouble seems to follow good ole’ Harry wherever he goes, and so the entire f'kin’ tournament is burnt to the grown in what looks like footage from Chernobyl. Luckily nobody seems to be particularly phased by this tragedy, and so off to Hogwarts we go.
As school begins we are introduced to the fact that there will be an ongoing competition throughout the year. Now, I’m not very familiar with this series and particularly Harry’s magic land, so I’m learning as I go. But I was taken aback when at the beginning of the school year we are introduced to two new schools. At first I was entertained by the idea, but holy shit do things take a turn for the worst. As we are introduced to the students representing these schools we realize they are the most racially stereotypical characters to ever step foot in a movie. The French school is represented by a group of quietly snobby robot girls, while the Russian school shows up with a bunch of loud obnoxious boys dressed up in their best Stalin-like winter costumes.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for a little “subtle” stereotyping, and watching hundreds of thousands of people run around in dismay as the land around them is turned to ash is always entertaining, right? But if memory serves me correctly, this is a kids movie, no?
Anyway, as the movie continues trouble finds Harry again as he is involuntarily entered into the magic land equivalent of the Hunger Games, which is hosted at none other than the best school in town, and whose participants are all children… (WTF?! Is this a kids movie or not?!) Now, we are meant to feel bad for poor Harry as he never seems to catch a break and he constantly walks around with a chip on his shoulder, but the truth is he f’kin loves it. Little Harry grew up as a loner and now he’s the coolest kid in town, sure he has to take some shit here and there, but god damn, this kid has it made.
Luckily about half way through the film we get a break from the ridiculous and instead are forced to watch a magical High School Musical interlude as all the students prepare for the dance. As the French and Russian guest students stir the pot we end up getting to the ball where our three main characters are all attending with partners they’d rather not be with. The scenes following this could quite possibly be the most entertaining and yet most cringe worthy clips in movie history. Hermione, being a pretty girl, easily makes the best of her situation as she dances the night away with her overly masculine Russian date. Meanwhile the star of the castle, Harry, and his buddy Ron sit on the sidelines while their dates slowly leave them for anything that’ll pass by their table. Now, Ron is a weird looking dude, rocking some wild ginger flow, so I can’t blame the guy for not having any game whatsoever. But Harry is supposed to be a fucking star; he’s a fucking celebrity for Christ sake. Unfortunately he’s too busy feeling sorry for himself to leverage his celebrity status into getting even a mere kiss on the cheek. What a bloody waste. The kid can fly around on a fucking broom, wave his wand to conjure a beautiful meal, and even cheat death, but he can’t get laid? Really? REALLY?!
Andrew
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